DAVID: We’re so happy to have you here today! It’s such an honor to have the Camp Critic Committee visit us again. You know, after last years incident. Which I really want to apologize for that again, and if you were wondering, yes, the camper did survive, physically speaking. But, a lot has changed since then! And I think that this year you will see that I am truly, without a doubt, the prime candidate for the “Camp Counselor of the Year Award”! *scribble scribble* Right, well we’ve got a big day of outdoor activities planned, but as you know the most important start of any day is a balanced breakfast! Yep, we run a tight ship around here, but
we also encourage freedom of expression. – Uh, David?
– Not now! Heh, sorry, this is one of our other counselors. She’s got nothing to report, as always
because our camp is really great, as always. Have I mentioned how great our camp is? David! HAVE I MENTIONED HOW GREAT OUR CAMP IS? Now, we always make sure our daily activities test the bodies and minds of all of our campers, and today is no exception. Behold! Look, David- WHAT, Gwen! I have gone through a lot of planning and preparation to make this day happen. What could you possibly tell me that I don’t already know? It’s about to rain. …nooo… # OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH! # There’s a place I know that’s tucked away,
# A place where you and I can stay, # Where we can go to laugh and play,
# And have adventures every day! # I know it sounds hard to believe,
# but guys and gals, it’s true! # Camp Campbell is the place for me and you! # We’ll swim through lakes and climb up trees,
# Catch fish, bugs, bears, and honeybees! # There’s endless possibilities,
# AND NO, THAT’S NOT HYPERBOLE! # Our motto’s “Campe Diem,”
# and that means I’m telling yoooooouuuu…. # We’ve got: # Archery, hiking, search-and-rescue, biking, # Horseback, training-that-will-save-you-from-a-heart-attack, # Scuba-diving, miming, keeping-up-with-rhyming, # Football, limbo, science, stunting, # Pre-cal, spaceships, treasure hunting, # Bomb defusal, no refusal, # Fantasy, circus trapeze, # and fights and ghosts and paints and snakes, # and knives and chess and dance and weights, # it’s CAMP CAMP! # ‘Okay, what am I going to do? Think, think…’ Yes, rain. Any camp’s worst nightmare, but not here. You see, the plan all along was to make, uh… ‘Okay, think David, think!
You can’t have a repeat of last year. ‘Poor, poor Chucky.
I hope his family got the flowers. ‘I should send them an email.
But not now! ‘Now I have to focus. What’s an outside-of-the-box idea that’s guaranteed not to go wrong? ‘Aha!’ …was to make young Dolph here the counselor for the day! Isn’t that right, Dolph? Who, me? Really? …yeppers! I’ve always said, “what better way to
learn than to teach”? Dolph loves arts and crafts, and I’m sure he’ll love teaching his fellow campers how to love them too. Thank you, Mr. David. Under my rule, I VILL MAKE CAMP CAMPBELL GREAT AGAIN! (This is probably fine.) *scribble scribble* …uhhehehehe… * BARK * * hisss * * BARK BARK * Come now mein friends, let us express ourselves through ze glory of MACARONI ART! Man, this is lame. I miss Chucky. Yeah, and this macaroni sucks! Wanna go see how many pudding cups we can fit in our pockets? Oooh! Yeah! I think we can hit 20 this time! What d’you think, Neil? Wait, where’s Neil? I don’t know. But we need those pockets! They’re deep. Nurf: You lookin’ for Neil? What do you know, Nurf? Nothin’, I’d just like to be included for once. I feel like I’m always just in the background of your adventures. I mean, that’s mainly because you bully kids constantly, Nurf. You’re kind of an asshole. THAT’S NOT TRUE! I’LL KILL YOU! Sorry, sorry. I’m working on my issues. WHAT’D YOU DO WITH NEIL, NURF? SHOVE HIM IN A LOCKER? MAKE HIM PROM QUEEN, ONLY TO COVER HIM IN BLOOD? Back off! I only bully Neil Tuesdays, Thursdays, and non-denominational holidays. I understand he celebrates the Sabbath. Maybe he…vanished! OOF! Have you guys at least seen him? I saw him with the space kid this morning. Ehh…I guess we’ll track him down. Ooh, a MYSTERY! A MURDER MYSTERY! Nope, just a normal one. Or is it… It is. Hmm… you seem pretty confident about that. WHERE WERE YOU ON THE NIGHT OF- Shut up, let’s go find him. MYSTERY TIME! Tsk tsk tsk… You see, I feel that letting the campers take over gives them a sense of pride and purpose, that you just don’t get with those other ‘traditional’ camps. I’ve… Oh, uh, yes Dolph? How can I help YOU? Vhere are your papers? Uh, I’m not quite sure what you mean. Your papers, vhere are zhey? It’s a very simple question, David. You are only hurting yourself by lying. Oh. Oh, you want more construction paper! Ja, vhat did you zhink I meant? I’m not some sort of secret police or something. So, Space Kid, you like science and shit, right? Uhhhh…y-yeah? See my partner, she’s what we call a hothead. Now she thinks you murdered Neil to
get his science supplies. What?! No, no, I didn’t… NIKKI: LIAR! Ask him about his albino! – You mean his alibi?
– That too! Uhh… Nikki, he can see you. AAARGH!! Where is he, huh! Did you eat him? BARF HIM UP! No, please, no! The last time I saw him, he was with Dolph! Vat is zis! You must color inside ze line! I do not approve of mixing colors! That’s unsettling. Uhhehehehe… *scribble scribble* Uhmmhhh… ULGHHH… Where’s Neil?! What did you do with him?! You must not speak to me this vay! Respect ze armband! *scribble scribble scribble* Unhughhh! All right kiddos, why don’t we take this conversation somewhere else, like another room! Or another camp! Remember your place David! I am in charge today. Uhhhh… Now vhat seems to be ze problem?
Zhere is a missing child? What! No-o-o, I’m sure this is just a misunderstanding. Missing is such a strong word, I’m sure Neil is just… …hiding! David, I swear to God, if you lost- -BECAUSE WE ARE PLAYING HIDE AND SEEK! DOLPH: Somevun is hiding from art’s divine presence? Unacceptable! Ve shall make an example of him!
Let the hunt begin! *thunderclap*
*dramatic sting* ‘This is still fine.’ Alright, I’ve given you each a unique number. Now write it on your arm so we don’t lose anyvun else. Ooh! I’ll be a bloodhound! Bark-bark-bark-bark!
Sniff! Sniff! Sniff-sniff-sniff! Let’s search the floorboards! Yeah! This has escalated quickly. DOLPH: You cannot hide from us, Neil! *scribble scribble*
*fire ignites* (This is no longer fine.) Sniff! Sniff-sniff-sniff! Ooh! Quick, someone open the pantry! What is it girl? Is he in here? I think so! Not really. I just want a snack. NIKKI: Aha! I knew it would be in here. Oh snap, did someone get murdered? This is horrible. There goes my award! Uh, more tent for me. What are you guys looking at? *gasps* Neil, he lives! Just as I knew the entire time. Mystery solved. Mystery? I was just hanging out in the attic
with the crackers and juice Oh, my shoe. Ze attic, of course! Amongst the juice! So crafty. Wait, why were you in the attic? Oh, I was just writing in, you know, my diary. You write in a diary? NERD! …aaand this is why I write in the attic. *muttered agreements* *murmuring* Oh, this is a disaster! Good thing none of this matters. *gasps* Really? For me? Oh, I can’t… “For finding ze missing camper, ve name
you ze camp counselor of ze year.” My goodness, zis is ze happiest day of
mein life! High five! High five! High five! High five! DAVID: (I can’t believe I lost to Dolph.
He isn’t even a counselor!) NIKKI: (Plus he really looks like Hitler.) MUSIC: “Rain Rain” by Richie Branson, Solar Slim