– Thursday I get to go–
– Could be here tomorrow. – To the Gary Clark Jr. Show – Yeah Thursday. – We all meet up at the Beacon, Lou comes, the words you never
wanna hear before a hang, he goes “I was drinking with
Merc Face before he came here.” – Ohhhhh, primed
Lewitski that means he’s. – That’s fucking arm freckle
drinking, you know what I mean? (heavy guitar music) (fire crackling) – Who all went to the show? – It was five of us
which was very cool of him to hook us up like that.
– It’s great. – It was me, Christine,
DJ Lou, Becky Atsphan. – Yep. – And Fanoya. – From the pictures
on Instagram, I thought it was one of those
things like War on Drugs, where you got tickets and then you had to buy
tickets for other people because Christine zoomed
in to Gary Clark Jr. and Fanoya so I thought
Fanoya was sitting behind you. – That’s so funny.
– When I was just in the green
room in Buffalo, I’m like looking at the
pictures and I’m like, ah fucking Fanoya’s.
– They didn’t put Fanoya near? – (laughs) Yeah I was like,
ah Fanoya’s seven rows back. – He was in the deck seats. – [Dan] Yeah. – No we all sat next to
each other it was great. He gave me five tickets, he
gave us five working passes which was awesome. Last time we did a
concert, a family concert, we all went to see
Cypress Hill you weren’t– – Yeah, it’s always
real convenient. Real convenient. – Well I’ll tell you, out of
those two concerts you missed– – Yeah. – You’ve seen just a hair
less than a one DJ Lou Witzki. – You’re not watching
a lot of music, huh? – By not being attended at
all, you’ve just missed. – Yeah, I’ve been. – A little bit less
than DJ Lou Witzki. – Not only did I not attend,
I was in a different city. Both times. – Yeah.
– Both times. – You guys don’t
know dick about me. – Well I don’t. ‘Cause you keep disappearing. You don’t let us learn. – Cypress Hill in
the third song, it’s, I’m gonna smoke a cigarette. (laughs) And then vanished. And after the show was
outside talking to people that he’s met, he
made new friends. – Wait, so he was still there
after the Cypress Hill show? – I was locked out. They wouldn’t let me back in. The guy said he would
and then he wouldn’t. – Okay. I’ve dealt with that. – It’s not my fault. Why would I not
wanna go back in? – [Dan] I have dealt with that. – What was the amount
of time between– – [Dan] How many cigarettes? – Leaving and trying
to come back in? – Time is abstract when
you’re drunk as me. – That’s what I mean. You may have been outside for
40 minutes and then been like, I can’t go in for the last song? – What, a guy can’t go
take a nap on a bus bench and come back? – (laughs) Oh. I guess that’s the rules here
at the Irving Plaza, is it? – Convenient. Convenient, you
just come and go. – Real cool. – You’re a fucking dictator. – Now we were. There was a chance, in fact it
was very much what he wanted, I didn’t realize that, but
I thought there was a chance we were gonna go back
and meet Gary Clark Jr. after the show. – That’s pretty bad ass. – And what was your plan, Lou? To be that hammered? – Well, I was not that hammered. I mean, you heard me. – Dude, you were
hilariously hammered. – Really? – By the way, I just,
Christine’s dude was the most serious I’ve ever seen
Christine on this show. – [Christine] Do you remember
who you were sitting next to and how you made it nice
and weird with them? – No, I didn’t make
it nice and weird. I mean, I talked to them. – [Dan] Who did Lou sit next to? – You did talk to him. Robin Quivers. (laughs) – For the younger list,
that’s Howard Stern’s cohost of 40 years. – Let her know that he
worked at Sirius also. – Oh, Lou! – So what’s wrong with that? – You were hammered. – ‘Cause you did it as you
were climbing over her. – Five times, that pile. – Oh wow, you look a lot like
that lady Robin on Howard. And she’s like, I am. He goes, I work at Sirius. How come I never met you? – Holy shit, you don’t
look like you, you thing. – Hey. Are you sick still? She’s like, no. – What’s up? Oh you beat that? It’s so good. And you kiss her on the belly
or something weird, mwah. Cool. – Hey, I wouldn’t sit down. I wouldn’t sit down,
I’m gonna be right back. If that bar is do. – Dude, it was so great. So we smoked before we went in. A joint. And then we all
sit in our seats. Awesome. – Beacon Theater. – Cool seats.
– Gorgeous theater. – I’ve never been in
that theater before. Beautiful theater.
– Gorgeous. – DJ Lou said he hasn’t been
in there for like 20 years and that just looks the
same, it’s really cool. – It was a real reality
moment, you know? About venues for the
special in the fall, and I was like Beacon Theater
would be pretty awesome. And I looked it up, I
was like, there’s no way on God’s green earth I
could ever fill that thing. That’s like 2,100. It’s 2,100 capacity. And you’re like, for a,
I mean, it’s beautiful. – It is really nice. There’s also a thing that
looks like it’s gonna kill you hanging from the roof with
a very sharp point on it. I’m not sure why that’s there. – That’s aw, that is
the aughts, my friend. – Yeah, it’s insane. – Yes. – It’s got long sharp point
and it points right at a row. – If it just fucking got you, if you were the guy
that was like ah. – I was looking at people
under it and going like, wow, how are they not
worried about that? But anyway, DJ
Lou was fantastic. He made it weird there, and
then he goes back and he goes– – Weird. – He’s looped, and he
goes, he’s drinking a beer, he gets a beer for him and
Mike come back with beers, and he’s drinking a
beer, and he goes, should I, I’m gonna go
get another beer Mike, what do you want? What kind of beer do you want? And Mike’s like I’m good, dude. I’m fine. And it’s like, yeah, and
I’m like getting nervous because at this
point Lou’s also, so there’s a lady, her
jacket is in front of Finoia, with her hood is the thing, but she’s sitting on her
jacket, she could fit, and DJ Lou keeps like
whipping his keys and phone into the hood. – Like it’s a side satchel? – And he’s going, ha ha ha ha. – It was in our lap that cunt. – Yeah. You know what I like about Lou? – There was nothing cunty
about what she was doing. – In my eyes it was. I still stand by that one. – I respect your stubbornness
on not letting go of this, where you’re like,
she breached my. – If she’s gonna put
her hood in Finoia’s lap I’m gonna use it as a pocket. – But I love Lou’s just
hammered, he’s just like, we didn’t land on Plymouth Rock. Plymouth Rock landed on us. And this lady’s like,
I’m a music teacher. My husband gave
me these tickets. I wasn’t trying to do
anything aggressive. – By the way when she
looked back and saw her hood was there, she just politely,
without even being told, she just tucked it in. – Well, cool,
’cause Lou now has. – That cunt, that cunt. – Now Lou has a blood
vengeance for her. – I’m supposed to have fun,
I’m just having a little fun. You guys are boring. – Because you’re a cunt. – Whoa. Joe DeRosa. – So he goes I’m gonna
get another beer. I was like, and that
thing where, you know, you’re not someone’s
father, so you do the thing where you go like, ah, ’cause I think we’re gonna
meet this guy after the show. I’m just gonna be like (mumbles)
did you see Pearl Jam live? – Lou, did you know as a guy
that used to love to pregame, love to pregame, pregamed
a little too hard for Nate’s half hour
special, I remember. His wife came to get me at
the bar and she was like, you’ve been going,
and I was like, yeah. It was a lot. ‘Cause you filmed it,
remember John Jay Theater. And I went to Barcelona Bar
and was just fucking getting after it and Lara showed up
and was like all right buddy, let’s pull you out of this bar. Let’s go to this taping. – Yeah. – Did you know you
were coming in hot? – Yes. And I realized that, which
is why I didn’t come back. – But you kept buying beers. Do you see that’s the problem? – No one didn’t call
that for a second. He goes, I’m a go
smoke a cigarette. I’m like, now? In the middle of the show? I was like. – Was Gary Clark Jr. on stage? – Yeah. – Come on, Lou. Arguably one of the greatest
guitar players of all time. – He goes I’m gonna
go smoke a blunt. And then as soon as he fucking hurdled over
Robin Quivers again. – Yeah. That was embarrassing. And one of her friends,
she was with two friends, one of her friends goes,
damn, you need to get your prostate checked. – Oh. – Meaning. – Well yeah, ’cause they end
up getting goal lined by you. – They also did this,
when you walked past them, I’d see them all make
Jesus Christ face. – Well, that was not deaf
to me, ’cause that’s why I didn’t come back. – Can I ask you something? How far in to the row were you? – [Christine] Middle. – Five seats in, five seats in. – There was no returning. – Come on Lou. – There was no returning. Because I would have had to
go through Robin Quivers, and I tried going on Christine’s
end, the opposite end one time and that
didn’t go well either. – No, but you left and
came back like four or five times before you decided
you couldn’t come back and you came in hot and
left that many times. – My dad died of prostate
cancer, you guys, I might have to get it checked. – No, come on, dude. – And then we thought,
we were like oh no, DJ Lou’s lost with
a working badge. – All I picture is DJ Lou
wandering off with his shirt off on stage, holding
it, like, ‘sup? – Smoking a cigarette coming
out and trying to talk to Gary Clark Jr. He goes, do all the pedals work? Hey. Which pedals are you on now? Can I hit a pedal? – Do you guys have beer up here? – Yeah. Is this the bar? Who are those people? – It’s called Pearl Jam,
you ever see Pearl Jam? – There’s a lot of
black guys in the show. Oh, this is a band. – He goes, who are
you gunslinger? He’s just on stage
ripping a Marlboro Light. – Gunslinger. I swear to you when he left
that time and he’s smoking that cigarette I
said to Finoia, I go, he ain’t coming back. – No he was not
happy with me either. ‘Cause I was shouting shit out
like, here comes the train. Meaning, like Gary
Clark’s gonna kill it now, I know some inside
information that he’s gonna do a sick solo, I was just
trying to have some fun, guys. – I mean, you’re spitballing. God bless, you’re spitballing. – But we were all laughing
and having lots of fun. – It seemed like you
weren’t having fun– – You were having your own fun. – Like, you only
wanted to get drinks. And it didn’t matter
what song was on. – In my mind I was
at a Pearl Jam show. – In your mind you were
at a Pearl Jam show? – Yeah. – That’s how, that
kind of helps. – At Pearl Jam shows
you piss constantly? – [DJ Lou] Yeah. Oh yeah. – You leave to smoke cigarettes? There’s no way. – Have you ever smoked
a cigarette during
a Pearl Jam show? – I woulda smoked
it out of my seat. – Ah. – Piss myself too. – That would’ve been
a bigger problem. If you fucking lit up just
sitting next to everyone would be like, what the fuck? – [Christine] We’re guests, man. We’re guests of somebody’s. Somebody invited
us to their show. – Did you– – And that’s why I left. – Were you thinking at all you were gonna meet
Gary Clark Jr.? – No, I know I was not gonna– – You knew– – I wasn’t gonna ruin it
for Jay and Christine. – God, you really do
have a heart of gold. – Betsy! – But why would you come
to a thing you thought you were gonna leave? – I just didn’t know I was
gonna do that many shots with Merc Face. – Listen, we can put
this on Merc Face. – You didn’t know you were
gonna do that many shots? – Black Lou, did they
do a ton of shots? Were they just
doing whiskey shots? – Yeah, we had. – Wait wait wait. We’re jumping ahead,
we’re jumping ahead. The wording of that is
all kinds of screwy. This is like a
Christine argument. – I don’t know. The back of my
mouth is salivating. Like I wanna do shots. – I didn’t know I was
gonna do that many shots. – Listen, I can get there. – I didn’t know I was gonna
smoke 20 cigarettes today. He goes–
– Jay. – Just happens. – Let me be your wind talker. I can speak to him. I’m an alcoholic. – Please? – I’m saying, him talking
like this is making the back of my jaw clench up,
’cause it’s like, I remember going to the bar. – You got the itch? You want some sauce? I got a flask. – Dude. This weekend was a fucking test. Basketball weekend’s
been a real test. No but I was saying to you, when you go into
those situations, you know you’re meeting
Merc Face, you know you’re going to a concert
with Jay, Christine and Finoia, so the appeal
or the allure of drinking is like, we’re gonna
drink for something. We’re drinking for something. – Right, but I didn’t wanna
go too crazy ’cause I know they don’t all drink. – Yeah, but you knew
you were meeting up with Black Lou and Merc Face, and you knew you could go
nuts meeting up there, right? – Also, everybody except
Christine drinks there? – You didn’t drink, did you? – I didn’t drink, but
I don’t not drink. – [Christine] We’re the
only ones with problems. – I’m right there
with you sister. – Yeah, why do you think
I’m trying to fucking do a simulation through you? I’m like, ah, how was it? – I had a couple beers,
I shotgunned two beers with Shane this weekend
’cause it was hilarious to do that again. – Dude, I love that Shane
got you to shotgun beers. – It makes him laugh for some
reason, so we just did it. – [Christine] I drink kombucha. – Yeah. – [Christine] That’s
what I do now. – That’s your cool thing. – I don’t know about you,
don’t ruin everybody’s lives. – I don’t not drink. – That definitely didn’t
just zap all the fun out of finding out Jay
shotgunned beers is, Christine going I drink
kombucha, and you go, yeah. – [Christine] It’s
super fun and exciting. It has a little alcohol content. – Talk about Jay and Shane
were getting after it. Being real men of men. Where did you guys do it? Where’d you guys
shotgun the beers? – In my bathtub. (Dan laughs) – That is awesome. – And then one
out back my house. – Okay, yeah, and you stab
the fucking bottom and. – Yeah. – [Dan] Yeah. – Ripped in. – Fuck. (laughs) – I’ll do one right now. – Yeah, it’s fun, right? – I’ll shotgun a Diet Pepsi. – They make consuming
alcohol fun and different. You should try a luge. Luge shots. – It’s a fun different way. – But I’m saying to you,
going in to the bar, you knew you were
meeting up for drinks before you were
meeting up with them, were you like, let
me get fucked up? – It wasn’t a lot of the
alcohol, it was the shots. They gave us not shots
but a drinks glass. – They gave you rocks glasses. – Yeah, of what it was.
– That’s a double. – Whiskey. Yeah, so it was two
doubles, so that’s four. – Then they crammed a
fucking funnel in your mouth? – Lou, can I ask you also,
did you pre-game in here? – No no no, this was it. – You blow your
knee out that way. – He meant did you
masturbate in the bathroom. Did you come with clean pipes? – He wants to know if you’re
coming on heavy bag or not. (laughs) – He’s making his fucking
heavy nut decisions. – I don’t know what your weight, the bearings might be off,
you might be disproportionate. – What’s the batch
status on this thing? – When they do
shots, they do shots. I’ve never seen them do a shot. – Yeah. You don’t do one shot. I’m not a fucking cowboy
in 1828, I’m fucking. When I’d show up, it would
be normally, I would think, I would ration myself, I’d
be like, I’ll do two shots. And that would be the
least I would do it. Also, I kind of have
OCD and weird things, so I would always
wanna do even drinks. – But I was always– – Which is hilarious
for an alcoholic. It’s a faster process
to alcoholism. – I’m just saying
for me personally, as a guest of something,
I’d just be terrified to go whacked at all. – Yes. Being drunk and showing up– – Like the risk
of being whacked. – I got day drunk in 2008
and went and saw Shane Moss do Conan. Joe List got me the ticket. Didn’t even know Shane. Showed up hammered. – Oh that’s bad. – Late. Drunkenly got in
there and watched it. – Now, at the time, are you
like, what’s the big deal? – Yeah. – What’s the big deal? So what is that? What’s that? – It’s alcohol. Alcohol just makes you fucking
be like, yeah, whatever. – When you’re not drunk
anymore, even, you’re like. – Oh, no no no no no,
I woke up panicked. I woke up the next
day like fuck, fuck. That’s why I had to
quit drinking, man. My whole life was every
morning was me going like this, oh no, fuck, what did
I do, what did I do? – DJ Lou’s making it sound like we had the bizarre
behavior that night. (laughs) – No that’s why I’m trying
to get into his brain to see where it turned like
when you show up. – He’s like, he goes, I notice
you guys didn’t even weirdly get physical with the person
sitting in front of you. (laughs) – Maybe ’cause they’re
not fun at a concert. – You guys didn’t fucking
spread full dork in front of Robin Quivers
five or six times. Why not? – ‘Cause there’s no joshing
around in front of you guys. – There’s plenty of joshing. – How many double
shots did you do? – I believe two or three. – My and Finoia made fun of
everybody sitting around us laughing our balls off. Quietly, without tugging
on their clothing. – Black Lou, were you hammered? When you left hanging out
with Merc Face and DJ Lou? – Yeah, we had two double
shots like he said, we also had two beers each. – And you had two beers? – I’m a professional alcoholic. I should be able to handle that. – You’d think, lady. But you can’t. – Well you’re welcome, so
I split and let you enjoy your evening. – But what you’re doing
is you don’t realize that Jay and Christine love you and
want you to be a part of it. – We wanted you to hang. – They want you to
meet Gary Clark Jr. Gary Clark Jr.
listens to this show. – Gary Clark Jr.
wanted to meet you. – [Christine] Gary Clark
Jr. knows what you did at his concert. – You’re like a mysterious
guy that’s super awesome at his job, and you’re
like, I’d rather chase booze than meet all these
high society folks. – And you’re like, Lou
they wanna meet you. – Gary Clark save it.
– Yeah, cool. – Well I think Mr.
Clark Jr. would be happy and you’re welcome to him too. – Why, that he didn’t
have to meet Stew? Let me tell you this. – You’re putting this
off all the wrong way. – Yeah. – You’re saying thank
you that you didn’t go backstage and fucking try
to accidentally kiss him on the mouth or
something hammered. But we’re saying, there’s
nothing to thank us for, or for us to thank you for,
we’re bummed you didn’t hang. – I’m bummed too. – Two concerts. – You’re not bummed. – I was very sad. Yes, I went home, I coulda
hung out with Merc Face, instead I went home
and I was just very sad on the way home
’cause I fucked up. – It sounds like drinking
might be making you sad. – It’s a depressant, doctor. (laughs) – Shut the, you know, Lou? I’ll take this Lou. Shut the fuck up Christine. – [Christine] It sounds
like your problems might be self-inflicted. – That was said something
over a clipboard, where you go, and I have
to stay here, right? I have to listen to this? – Hm, peculiar. You know what, Lou? Get fucking blitzed tonight. Go punch a cop. Just to get back at Christine
for that stupid comment. – Yeah, but then, clean it up. – But after that, seriously,
turn it all around. – [Dan] I don’t know, dude. – Again, I don’t know. I’m speaking completely. – [Jacob] He can’t
take your affection. – Is that what it is? – I know what it is. I know him. He can’t accept
that you love him and he’s uncomfortable with it. – Do you ever feel
like that Jacob? Like with our love for you? Do you accept it? You know how much we love you. – I do. Sometimes I’m a
little overwhelmed. But I have a different way. – You just bake your ass off. (laughs) – I do my you know– – You fucking run on your wheel. – Doctor prescribed H. – Yeah. You do your what? – I do my doctor prescribed H. – Oh no, don’t go to a fucking, don’t go in a fucking K-hole. – [Jacob] I usually just
don’t show up somewhere, ’cause I’m uncomfortable. – You’re uncomfortable,
it’s too much for you. – [Jacob] Yeah. – Black Lou, do you
ever feel overwhelmed with our love for you? – No, never. – For the record, we
got Jacob, Jacob had a. – [Jacob] I would’ve
been there in a second. – But Jacob had a ball when we
had him come out one weekend and we went to UFC at
Ralph’s house and hung out he came to the spot it was a
really fucking super fun night. – [Jacob] That really was
one of the best nights. – Well, glad I
wasn’t there again. Cool, guys. I’ll just fucking stay
in a hotel room playing– – [Christine] You
work a lot Dan. – Tecmo Super Bowl. Lou Witzki. You know how much we love you. – I do. I’m cool with it. – No you’re not. This is the whole reason we’re
having this conversation. – I’m just not cool with
eye contact right now. – Listen, I get
it, dude, I get it. That’s like one of my problems. I have a hard time. I fucking hate. Why do you think Jay Jay eloquently said why I
shouldn’t be on Twitter. ‘Cause I read everything wrong. ‘Cause I can’t
take a compliment. So I just take it as
criticism, or hey great show. I’m like, oh, great show, fuck– – Hey Dan, big fan. – That’s how I take everything. So I fucking get it. – Love your work dude. – Oh yeah, I love your voices. – What fucking voice, want
me to do a fucking voice? – You’re really a
fantastic impressionist. Who’s this asshole
texting me like this? – Also, like impressionist,
I’m not, come on, man. I start getting mad at you. I just go so deep on him, like, yeah cool Jay, whatever. That didn’t sting. Lou Witzki, I’m saying, I get it and this seems like
you’re avoiding the fact. They wanted you to
meet Gary Clark Jr. Gary Clark Jr.
Wanted to meet you. – This generation’s Rich
Little couldn’t be here. (laughs) – That was good. I like that one. I was trying to think of
another impressionist. (crosstalk drowns out speakers) I would’ve been
like this, thanks. If you had said Dana
Carvey, I’d be like, I wish. That guy had a career. That guy has a career. No, but we’re saying, Lou. – My love makes you drink. – Yeah. – It’s my fault somehow. – Yeah, and now we’re
seeing Jay’s thing. All of our stuff
starts flaring up. Jay feels that everything’s
everyone’s fault. – Happy? My dots are back. – (laughs) Now I’m back! Now I’m back full freaking out. Look, we’re all fucking melting and Christine’s just
suckling on a lime bottle. She was like, I
thought I was leading. – I don’t care, I
don’t even care. – What’s the smell
that cigarette? Christine’s just in
the corner like ah. – I’m trying to get
where the disconnect is. You wanted to go to the concert. – Yep. – And for the whole show. – Yes. – And then. – Did you just know coming
into this show you were like, I’m too fucked up
for this whole show? – No, I didn’t think that
until people’s reaction to my behavior wasn’t the
reactions I was expecting. – That’s how I felt in Amsterdam seeing Pearl Jam on mushrooms. – Everyone’s not
pulling their dick out? All right, I guess I’m
the weird one, zzzzzt. – But that’s how it felt–
– Sorry. – When I was trying to get
back to Lou in Amsterdam and I couldn’t fucking move
and I was on mushrooms, I was like, excuse me everyone,
and it was like, am I wrong? ‘Cause I think I’m being
pretty nice and polite. (laughs) And that’s when you’re like,
I gotta get out of here. So I understand that. No, I was gonna say,
you were mid-concert when you felt that, right? – Yeah. I was on my third beer, I’d say. – Was there a part of
you that thought, like, maybe let me have one beer
and that’s it and cool out? – No. I was on a roll. – I felt awkward, I was like, ah dude just hit
your weed pen, man. Just hit your weed
pen hanging out here. – Shut up, I didn’t
even take it out. – If you’re planning
on doing something fun, the idea of not drinking
at that fun thing makes the fun thing not fun? Like you never think to go. ‘Cause when I was a
drinker I would even, we went and saw Fleetwood
Mac and I was still drinking. I made sure I was like,
I don’t wanna get bombed for this, I love this show. I didn’t wanna leave
to keep getting beers, I wanted to make sure I
was in that experience. It feels like it doesn’t
matter if it’s a dive bar, or Gary Clark Jr. or some
other exciting thing. You just wanna drink. – I would like to drink
like a gentleman, sure. – [Christine] But
not like a gentleman, just maybe don’t drink at all when you do something
fun like that. – No but I’m more wired. I don’t know if
Lou’s wired like me, but when it would
be a big event, I’d be really excited
to get fucked up for it. – Really? – I’d be like, oh, well that
means I’m gonna get fucked up. – To go in whacked? – Yeah. Queens of the Stone
Age, Terminal 5, they were touring playing
their self-titled album. I got fucking hammered. And then went and got
hammered at Terminal 5. I was holding a
margarita and a beer. It was the only time in
my life I was so drunk, I knew I shouldn’t
look for the train. Waiting for the
subway, I was like, I’ll be fucking dead if
I look over the track. ‘Cause I was just so
fucked up I was sitting, because it was like, oh I was. By the way, next day,
I was so mad at myself. I kind of remembered the
concert, bought a cool shirt. I got a good shirt. But, yeah. It was a thing where it
was such a big event for me I love that album and I was
so excited to see them play and Terminal 5 is
such a cool venue when you get the right
seats, and I was all into it, and I just go fucking hammered
’cause I was so amped up that I was just again
Barcelona Bar, there’s a theme. And I was just fucking
throwing ’em back, being like, fucking Queens of the Stone
Age and then I was blackout. And woke up the next
day like yeah fuck. (fire crackling) – Gary Clark Jr. Low down Rolling Stone. – Fan of the show and a guy
that really pulled a Gary move and showed up
when I was gone. – He did show up
while you were gone. – Just like my dad. – And then much like
our dads, Lou left. – [Lou] Yeah. – Another Gary. – You know the Irish goodbye? That’s a Gary goodbye. I’m gonna go get a drink
and smoke a cigarette. You’re like, he’s
not coming back. – I’ll be right back. Lou always does this stuff
too, before he leaves for good. I love that, ’cause if
he just left and split you might not notice for
a little while possibly. But he’s the guy that overdoes
it ’cause he assures you he is coming back, I’m just
gonna smoke a cigarette, so I’ll be back. I’m good, I have a working
pass, like I’m fine. He doing thing,
looking around he goes, what’s some landmarks
here, what aisle are we in? I just wanna make
sure I see you guys. I’ll see you guys
when I come back. – Listen, I’m gonna give
you this broomstick, it has a Raggedy Ann
At the end of it. When I text you. – It’s like a Bonaroo audience. – Hold it up, and I’ll
know where you’re at. And I’ll walk over. So you’re gonna do that for me. I’m gonna go to the bathroom. – Seriously, hold the stick. – Hold the stick. Hold the stick up. Right in front of Robin Quivers. – It’s got Angelina
Jolie’s face on it. – Yeah, right in front. And I’m gonna know. I’m gonna know who it is. – Hanging out, yeah. – What’s up dude? – [Jay] Have a seat. – Come on in. You can see our next guest
on Conquer Your Fears. It’s available now on
Comedy Central Originals. He’s also gonna be performing
at the Liberty Funny Bone in Cincinnati Ohio this weekend, March 28th through the 31st. Please welcome, Shane Torres. – Shane Torres. – Come on in, dude. What’s up man? – You’re a special guest in
an intervention, it turns out. – Yeah. – We didn’t know. We’re intervening on Lou. – Yeah. That’s Lou. – He ruins concerts
with his alcoholism. – He ruins what
with his alcoholism? – Maybe there’s deeper
problems with it, but I’m saying that he
ruins concerts with it. – How if affects Jay’s life
specifically, it ruins concerts. – What concert? – So they went to Gary Clark Jr. – Oh, at the Beacon. – I’m gonna catch you up. – Okay. – Turns out, there’s a backstory where we ran into Gary Clark
Jr. in the elevator here. And he said respect to
Jay, I thought he hated me, ’cause I kept saying good
album and he was kind of being like all right, and I’m
hypersensitive to that shit. So then we’re outside and Jay’s
like yeah he said respect, and I was like yeah, it’s ’cause you held
the elevator for him. And then turns out,
Gary Clark Jr. DMs Jay, and is like, I’m a
fan, I love the show. – That’s the coolest fucking
thing I’ve ever heard. – Coolest thing in the world. Followed me on Instagram. I was like, oh shit. – So he likes you. – Yeah. Oh I’m a fucking psycho. And I was trying to tell– – So Lou’ over in therapy. – Don’t worry. I get to fucking get those
horses going tomorrow morning at 11 a.m. But anyways, so Gary Clark
Jr. was at the Beacon for three nights, four nights? – Three. – Three nights. And got tickets for
Jay, Christine, Lou– – That’s fucking awesome. – Mike Finoia and Becky
Asfin, and they all went and, with, they had working badges. Lou got a little banged up. – You got the
rockstar treatment? – Yeah.
– Yeah? – They treated us fantastic. Brought us to a
back door entrance. – I had a weekend like that too. Finish. – Yeah, but I was just
gonna catch you up that Lou met up with Black
Lou and Merc Face Andy, you know him as Andy Fiori. (laughs) And Merc Face, Black Lou and
White Lou got a little sauce before the show, and then
showed up and got a couple beers and then just dipped. Just did the old I’ll be right
back and didn’t come back. So we’re trying to see
how we can help him not, enjoy our company. – We’re gonna have to
put him in my guest room, let him go through the shakes. – Yeah. Are you willing to
detox in the guest room? – I’ll come in and feed
you Ensure out of a bottle. – Just chain him
up to a radiator and let him have it
for a couple days. – You want me to
black snake moan you? – [Lou] I’m the fucking
hero of the story. – Gary Clark Jr. could score it. – What a great
score that would be. – Explain how you’re the hero. – Explain how you’re
the hero of the story. I believe you believe that. – Because I came to my senses
and got out of your way. – No, the senses. – Yeah, the guy who dove
down at Normandy was really the hero of the
whole fucking thing. – Do you think you’re
Bruce Willis in Armageddon? – Yeah. You didn’t sacrifice
yourself to do anything. You came banged up to something. – True. – Lou, every time you dial it
back, you say another thing that doesn’t make
sense in a weird blame the other direction. You’re like, you guys are
welcome that I left before it got weird, and it’s like, well why’d you come so hammered, you’re like, I didn’t know we
were gonna do that many shots. Like it’s all out of your hands. I thought they were only
gonna force one or two on me, turns out they jammed
three right down my throat. – I thought they had
a policy at the Beacon that you had to be
eight drinks in. – [Lou] I thought
I could handle it, it turns out I could not. – That was a weird bit of logic. – What? – Like to just be like,
well I got too drunk, so really the best thing
I could’ve done is leave. – I get it. – Like when my dad was like
I would’ve fucked you up pretty good if I’d
been around more. – Yeah. – I think the weird logic is– – I would’ve loved to have
heard that from my dad. He’s like, I did you a
favor, I got out of there. And I’d be like, thank you. – Yeah. Name my kid after you. – Hey, everyone. Lou Witzki,
lightweight alcoholic. (laughs) You’re an alcoholic
off three beers. – [Lou] I still don’t
think I was that bad. – [Dan] Yeah. You don’t think
you were that bad? – I still don’t
think I was that bad. – No. Not at all, man. You just got fucking– – What was the time frame of
this, like a couple hours? – [Lou] Yeah. – Did you get your ball
sweat on Robin’s knees? Sure. Sure you did. – Robin Quivers was
in the same row. And there was a lot of leaving
and coming back from Lou in the middle of the aisle. That’s the only part
that really, Lou, I’m not gonna lie, I
think I can defend you. I can be your defense
attorney until that. The getting up and coming
back, you have to be aware. That’s spatial awareness. That’s basic spatial awareness. – Yeah. And I hate people that
do that and I turned into the person that does that. But I also did stay in the
back and try to watch the show but I just couldn’t
go back in my row. – [Dan] Sure. – Sure you could’ve. – [Christine] No you
weren’t, I didn’t see. I looked back, I didn’t see you in the back watching the show. Where were you? – Yeah, did you
see me in the back? – You watched it like the– – Christine went to the
bathroom at one part. – [Lou] I was near the ushers but they threw me
out shortly after. – Now you got thrown out? – No they said you
gotta take your seat. – Holy shit! – I love that Lou’s like
I’m the hero of this, and he got fucking Jazzy
Jeffed out of the Beacon. – He’s like, I only knocked
out one of those faggots. – Yeah. He goes, lucky one of
them had a taser on him or else I would’ve ripped
through all of ’em. – Other one got the drop on me. – Got me from the side when I
had his buddy in a head lock. – He goes, I didn’t see
that fat dyke on the steps, she came right down on
me like a bag of hammers. – Said, I’ll meet you
at Columbus Circle. – Oh my god, Lou, what
the fuck happened? – Anyway, if you guys
need me I’m on the run. – He goes, turns out you
start swinging and yelling Polish curse words at
people, they get real jolted. – We find Lou, he’s
wearing a cop hat he stole. ‘Sup dudes. – He goes, you guys are gonna
shit, I just freed a horse. (laughs) What? What did you do? He goes, I beat the
shit outta this guy, I pulled him right
off, fucking-hockey
style, I got his hat. How’s Gary? How’s our man? He’s got bloody knuckles
and a cigarette. How’s our boy doing? – Did you go home after that? Did you go home
right after that? – Sure did. And I wasn’t thrown out. – You just said the
ushers kicked you out. – They said go back to your
seat, and I said I can’t, fucking Robin Quivers is
gonna be bothered by me. – Did you say that? – No, but that was my attitude. – Lou, there’s several
other points of attack you could’ve come to
get back into that row. One of the points of attack
would’ve simply been, I know guys, I’m so
sorry, it’s the last time. – I would’ve made up a lie. I would’ve been like, I know,
guys, but I got a sitter, she’s new. – That’s good. – I’m with that too. – I would’ve said colostomy bag. – Wow, that’s dark. – Next time I’ll get
a much wider berth. – Lou Witzki could’ve
swashbuckled in and just swung on a fucking chandelier and
then dropped into his seat. They have a bunch of
chandeliers in that theater. He just tries the Phantom of
the Opera back to his seat. He’s like, guh. – Repel down? – That’d be sick. – You could’ve repelled down. – And in the middle
of a solo too, it would’ve looked
really fucking good. – How about DJ Lou,
he’s climbing that
thing in the middle, that weird needle that
hangs over the audience. – He goes, guys,
guys between songs. – Jay Jay Jay Jay Jay. No no no no no. Up. No, up. No, like North. Up. – He’s like, I’m like a bat. – And Gary’s just sitting
there finger picking in the background. (fake guitar strums) – Lou you gotta get down. – I wrote this song for my mom. – Yeah, I don’t know,
it was very weird. – Well Lou, I think we say
this ’cause we love you. And we want to. – I’m not mad at
you in the least. I feel like I was
bummed that you, two fun events
that you split on. Booze. – I wanna make you
feel good baby. – The Cypress Hill
was not my fault. – Sure it was. – That was not booze. That was smoking. – There was a place
you could go smoke, you were just too drunk to
know the right place to go out. – Where was that place? – Right next to the
place you went out. – The place they had gated off. – Wait. – The gated off smoking
area to the right. – Cypress Hill? – Yeah.
– Yeah. – Oh, I didn’t see that. – Yeah, ’cause you were drunk. – So next time have
a real intervention instead of a fake
one, you cocksuckers. – All right. – Well we thought the
fake one was funny enough that it was a good point. – [Christine] We just want
you to, are you the hero? ‘Cause if you’re the
hero, intervention is not gonna do shit. – Who’s the villain
if you’re the hero? – I’ll tell you
this father time. – [Lou] Shots. – Shots– – Four ounces of
pure Satan juice. – While you go to
smoke a cigarette I’ll sit with you. – [Dan] I’m going to go in. – All right. – [Dan] I love you. – If you want to go up in– – We’ll be here with
our friends from 26. (giggling) – They got to sign
releases for everybody. Hi. – I’m going to close
the Johnson account while I’m out here. (laughing) – Well, here’s the funny thing, I just heard the Fisher
deal went through. We’re in the black. (laughing) – Yes buddy, we
are going to dos. (chuckling) – White trash bankers. (cash register ringing) (upbeat music) (thumping) (fire crackling) – Welcome to another episode. Is that Mafee in a hoodie? (laughing) – I mean I see him on TV. Is he a pot head in real life? – Welcome back to
another episode of Why is Mafee Wearing a Backpack? – Hey, backpack life. All day, everyday. This backpack’s been with
me through some shit. – I don’t like your emotional
attachment to your backpack. – It is pretty weird. I had it fixed, I have
to have it fixed again. I love it man. – You have to admit I
got your backpack fixed. You got the new one
and you liked it. – Why do you always got
to throw me under the bus when I’m trying to insult Dan? (chuckling) I’m trying to make
fun of Dan’s book bag. – I know that can’t insult you. (sighing) – Yes you have. – No she actually
stuck up for you. – Because I wasn’t here. I loved yesterday when
you called it out to her. You go, “Man, I see it Jay. “I got a jump on
the other team.” Isn’t Jay an idiot? He says that at
home all the time and I have to agree
with him or he yells. – If Christine was a wrestler, I would never trust her
in a tag team match. (chuckling) I’d be like this, she’d be like, pow! Busted! Hit him with the
damn clothesline. – That was my
favorite, the fucking, this one where you
do the handshake. You go like, “Yeah!” (screaming) Then what he does he goes, “Everybody, come on this guy.” Why would I ever hurt him? God you look so hot with that. Well I say you look really
sexy with an umbrella. I’ll take it back but you
look super sexy with it. (chuckling) Oh my God you’re overweight. When you’re not
holding the umbrella… All right I’ll hold it I guess. – Welcome to Street Corner. We’re showing you
the best tactics to get your girlfriend
to hold an umbrella. – If you’re not going
to hold the umbrella you should probably
stand forward because– – I wouldn’t date a guy whose
girlfriend holds the umbrella. (laughing) – Or don’t you? – Christine, can you please take your jacket over
that puddle for me? – Remember Cangriffy
Juniors, the Nikes? When they came out? – Awful logo. – I loved, they were
teal and black and white. Awesome shoes. When they came out
they were awesome. I was in seventh grade. – Nope. I mean you were
in seventh grade, they weren’t awesome though. – To sevenths grade
Dan, they were. (chuckling) – Sevenths grade Dan. – Couldn’t afford them, but my mom got a pair of Frank
Thomas Big Hurt Reeboks– – Hell yeah!
– On sale. Famous footwear. Then fast forward to 2015, Frank Thomas trying to fuck
my girlfriend at the time living in LA. (laughing)
– It all comes full circle. – What a fuck you,
what a fun life. – British Knights was
run by Derrick Coleman, who fucked my mom. – Crazy. What I’m saying is, get a woman that you
care about in your life to fuck a sports hero of yours. – Make your mom buy
you sneakers for guys– – By the way she didn’t
have sex with him, I’m not saying that. I said he was, you
know, I think they– – No, no, they just talked. – It was just her friend. (laughing) – No he just hung out at the
bar she worked all the time. He just talked to
her until closing but she always went home alone. (laughing) It’s over now so it
doesn’t even matter. – It’s many years,
it’s been years. I don’t hang on to any of it. – It’s probably what
happened though. – I bet it is what happened. – What are you going to fuck a big statuesque
muscular black guy– – By the way whose
currently on TV selling pills to make
your dick work more. – Yeah, what you going
to fuck that guy? (laughing) – Hey maybe you got a boyfriend that does a decent Sam
Elliot in New York City, three hours away. Why don’t you turn
down that chiseled cock for a good old talk. – No everyone
knows an impression just really shuts down pussy for the common
professional athlete. – You know especially
the infamous that have their own shoes. (screeching) But for real, we broke up
because it didn’t work. (chuckling) I wish her all the best. – No it didn’t work anymore. Frank Thomas blew
her shniz out so big that Dan couldn’t
fill it up anymore, and Dan’s got a
big huge fat cock. – She had to crawl
with her knuckles like an inspiring story. Remember the guy from
kids that was like, “I have no legs,”
it was like that. – Yeah, he beat her
snooch up so much she had to put in blind cords
so she could roll them up. – Turns out in the
Los Angeles county, his cock is nicknamed
The Jumpy Betty, because it just blows up
things like a land mine. – No, no one who
endorsed sneakers ever tried to fuck
my ex-girlfriends. Gene Simmons I thought
was trying to get a tongue in Christine though. – Yeah we have footage of it. – Of what? – Of it happening. – Where the hell was I?
– Let’s go to camera. (laughing) – He goes, “Cory,
fill the clip.” – He looks back,
I’m smoking a dart. I go, here’s the deal– – That was hot.
– It’s pretty provocative. – That was some hot shit, huh? – This is sensual stuff. – Guys I don’t know,
I’ll share it now because I don’t know how
long this is going to be up. It’s pretty illegal,
we just showed– – I do believe there’s a statute
in the revenge porn clause that says what I’m
doing is a felon. – Share it now,
get it out there! – Spread it, spread it. Like and review. – They can’t silence us! They can’t silence us all! (fire crackling) (thumping)