Windmills. They’re not just
a challenging obstacle on the putt-putt course. No, they’re also
Trump’s archenemy. They’re part
of his origin story, you know, like a superhero
whose parents were killed by a very slowly moving fan. And Trump
doesn’t just hate windmills. Like a Jehovah’s Witness, no,
he’s going door-to-door to try and get everyone else
to hate them, too. And he’s got
all kinds of reasons, starting with the danger
that they pose to America’s
most precious resource: television. If Hillary got in,
you wouldn’t have that stat. I can tell you right now. You’d be doing wind. Windmills. Whee. And if it doesn’t… if it doesn’t blow, you can forget about television
for that night. “Darling,
I want to watch television.” “I’m sorry.
The wind isn’t blowing.” I know a lot about wind. (laughter and applause) What? What the (bleep) does that mean? “I know a lot…” Like, we all know
the same amount about wind. What do you need to know
about wind? You can use it to fly a kite, sometimes it screws up
your umbrella, and if it goes in a circle,
it’s a tornado. That’s it. We’re done. Also, I like
that instead of talking about the effects
of a power outage on things like hospitals
or airports, the worst-case scenario
Trump could think of was no TV. Like, TV is so important
to Trump, he probably lists it
as his emergency contact. “If anything happens to me,
turn to channel 7, please.” And also, does Trump not know
what a battery is? Huh? Because you realize…
you realize a wind turbine doesn’t plug directly
into your TV, okay? He makes it seem like
the faster the windmill goes, the faster your TV slows,
you know? He’s like, “The shows are on TV
playing faster and faster.” On a windy day, it’s just like,
“On the news today…” (speaking quickly
and indistinctly) “Bazinga.” (laughter) Oh, and according to Trump,
according to Trump, the danger windmills pose
to television is nothing
compared to what it does to nature’s airplanes,
the birds. The wind kills all your birds. All your birds, killed. They kill so many birds. You look underneath some
of those windmills, it’s like a killing field
of birds. In California,
if you kill a bald eagle, they put you in jail
for five years. And yet the windmills
knock them out like flies. It’s crazy. What about the thousands
of birds they’re killing? Try going to the bottom
of a windmill some day. It’s not a pretty picture. How many windmills
does this guy visit? And why is he always going
to the base of them? “Driver, stop the car.
I want to count the dead birds.” Now, to be fair,
to be fair to Trump, right, windmills do kill birds,
all right? And some people are
legitimately concerned about it, but I don’t think Donald Trump
is one of those people. Like, Trump doesn’t really care
about the welfare of birds. In fact, to me,
it looks like he’s on a mission to wipe out the entire species
on his own. But let’s say
you don’t care about TV or birds or getting fake cancer. You may want
to pay attention to this, because windmills
are also a threat to America’s national security. We love clean,
beautiful West Virginia coal. We love it. Great. (audience cheering) And, you know,
it’s indestructible stuff. In times of war,
in times of conflict, you can blow up those windmills. They fall down real quick. You can blow up the windmills. You know, the windmills.
Boom, boom, boom. Bing! That’s the end
of that windmill. (laughter) Don’t build windmills because they can be blown up
during war. Yeah, so can everything else. Every power source can be
blown up during a war. Yeah. In fact, a blown up windmill
probably has the least fallout. With oil, you have spills. With nuclear power,
you have radiation. If you bomb a “wildman”–
a windmill, what’s the worst
that happens, huh? It’s just gonna fall on a pile
of dead birds. That’s it. So, clearly,
Donald Quixote over here is in a war with windmills. The question is why. Well, we did some digging,
and it turns out the beef started
almost a decade ago. NEWSMAN: Trump is an outspoken
critic of wind farms and opposes a planned
development of turbines just offshore
from his golf course in northeast Scotland. Trump told lawmakers he supports other forms
of green energy, but wind turbines are ugly,
noisy and dangerous. Wind turbines made in China are going to be the destruction
and a… almost a total destruction
of your tourism industry. They want to build thousands
of windmills in the waters that surround
the most beautiful shoreline probably anywhere in the world. It has to be stopped. Scotland has a group of leaders,
one in particular, who just is “foistering” them
on the people, and it’s really, really sad. Of course.
It all makes sense now. It was never really about birds
or television. It was always about golf. Yeah. And by the way,
Trump is wrong on two counts. Experts say that windmills
near a golf course don’t destroy tourism, and experts also say
that “foistering” is not a word. (laughter) But this is great news.
This is great news. We understand it, right?
He hates the windmills because they block his view
at his golf course. but now we understand what
Trump’s motivating force is. Right? Golf courses. That’s the one thing
he will do anything to protect. And now that we know this, we can use it
to solve the world’s problems. Like, Puerto Rico,
if you want Trump to stop (bleep) blocking
your hurricane funding, just turn your island
into a giant golf club, and the money
will come flying in like… (imitating windmill sounds)